Alex and Marni Chediak are no strangers to college ministry. They've seen enough heartache in the lives of young people longing to be married. To help young people naviagate through the difficulties of dating and marriage they have published a book called With One Voice: Singleness, Dating & Marriage to the Glory of God.
There's no shortage of relationship books on the market, to be sure. But some discount the Christian perspective to the point that they offer little hope, or encouragement, to the Christian striving to live lives pleasing to God. And some Christian books on the subject tends toward checklists and "principles," some of which are helpful but focus too much on the goal of marriage and too little on the process of living a life of ministry and service in preparation for marriage. Others end up advocating goofy dating practices that don't always address the issues of the heart and can leave one thinking they will be guaranteed success in marriage if only they follow a myrid of extrabiblical rules.
The Chediaks have avoided both pitfalls. Their advice is sound, biblical, and grounded in the real world, though sadly many in the contemporary evangelical may not have the discernment to recognize it. And make no 
mistake about it -- this isn't the pious writing of simplistic nerds with no experience in the real world; Alex is a professor at Northwestern College in Roseville, MN, and also is serving as an apprentice at the Bethlehem Institute in Minneapolis under the direction of John Piper. His wife Marni had a successful management career with Fortune 500 companies before joining Alex in ministry.
To kick off the book, the authors write in the preface that ultimately what the book is all about is "living to the glory of God in singleness and marriage." They continue:
The process of romance for unmarried Christians is about as complicated for singles today as it has ever been. Dangers lie everywhere. The world's perverse lies have infiltrated the church, reducing the beauty of God-invented sexuality to mere acts of personal pleasure. On the other hand, the increased geographic mobility, sheer number of possible work schedules, and career-based educational needs associated with modern life often make it more unlikely that singles will settle down in biblically based communities. In a day that values emotional fulfillment, many wonder if marriage is even necessary, given the commitment level and regular safeguarding and sacrifice it requires. Likewise, clear thinking on what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman has been blurred by a worldview that has encouraged us to think of men and women as interchangeable and has called any discussion of innate differentiation "sexist."
Chapter one opens with a discussion of the changes that have occured in the American dating landscape over the years, and point out that a contributing factor to the struggles of the day is a phenomenon they call "delayed adolesence," where teenagers tend to want to stay teenagers well into adulthood. Yet they resist the temptation to hearken for a call back to the good old days, correctly recognizing that the good old days had issues as well, and often neglected to address the sinful condition of the heart.
In chapter two (which the authors have generously made available on their website) the authors delve into the subject of marriage, and explore eight common (and ineffective) approaches singles take to viewing their singleness, which can be identified through the following questions:
- Are you approaching singleness too individualistically?
- Do you feel that you are entitled to happiness?
- Are you passive in your pursuit of a marriage partner?
- Are you afraid to lose the security of singleness?
- Do you not feel ready yet for marriage?
- Are you failing to pursue marriage in the right ways?
- Do you focus too much on finding someone rather than becoming someone?
- Are you gifted with celibacy?
Pitfalls are also explored, noting that men and women have unrealistic expectations about marriage, tending to think that God guides solely by feelings, and as a result fall into a cycle of terminating relationship after relationship once the feelings go away. The authors recognize the tendencies so many singles have to seek some sign that "this is the one" rather than to simply live life focused on Christ. They write, in a comment footnoted to a book called Decision Making and the Will of God:
...though God does providentially orchestrate our lives, a mystical theology that suggests we can discover God's secret will is bound to frustrate. Who we marry falls into the realm of God's secret (unrevealed) will (Deut. 29:29). There is a "specific person" out there, but we only find out who it is by obeying the principles God has revealed in His Word, making our vows, and walking down the aisle.
They point out that until recently, the norm has been to marry at a young age before the sexual temptations become unbearable. Today the problem isn't so much that people don't marry young as much as it is that today's young people are not mature enough to marry young. They stress that in the Bible, the norm was marriage, not singleness; those who are given the gift of singleness are given it so they can devote themselves to more ministry, not to a lifetime of self-centered materialism. The chapter concludes with a number of typical objections to what has been said thus far in the book, which are accompanied by insightful, biblical resonses.
Chapters three and four explore the concepts of masculinity and femininity, and explore both concepts as they are found in the Bible as well as how they affect relationships. They write:
An appreciation of the beauty of masculinity and femininity is at the heart of a vibrant society and church. Mature masculinity and femininity are foundational for single young men and women preparing themselves for marriage. Without this foundation, young men and women are on shaky ground, wondering what type of person to look for, what type of person to be, and how to interact with those they court. With this foundation, the adventure of courthship can be pursued with confidence, joy, and much hope in God.
The controversial issues of leadership and submission are also explored, noting that our understanding of these issues are key to our happiness in marriage, and one's ability to attract a person of the opposite sex hinges in part on the degree to which our lives line up with God's views on masculinity, femininity, leadership, and submission. And don't be taken aback by the references to "courting" in the earlier quotations. This is not a recommendation to return to the American victorian "good old days" but to a biblical pattern of relating and marrying.
Chapter five builds on the foundation laid and jumps in where the rubber meets the road: how to choose wisely when selecting a mate. Objective and subjective criteria for selecting a mate are listed and discussed in detail. The books reads at this point as if you getting personal advice from two people who are knowledgeable about the subject of relationships and the Bible.
The book wraps up with a discussion on how relationships should progress and the stages they should go through to maximize the ability to get to know one another while minimizing the opportunity for immorality:
In most cases, teens today do not date with marriage in mind, but for physical and emotional closeness, from peer pressure, from a sense that having a boyfriend or girlfriend is necessary for significance. As we've mentioned, none of these reasons are acceptable for a close, exclusive relationship and all of them are a form of using others. It is right for teenages as well to have a sense of purpose in their actions and a respect for members of the opposite sex.
But at the same time I would not want to rule out the possibility of God opening your eyes to your future spouse during the teen years, as that would seem to inappropriately limit God. I do think it is expecially rare in our day given the prevailing tendency of immaturity, but your teenages years are not inherently required to be a period of wandering. Teens can (and should) be raised by parents and pastors to embrace God as their treasure (Matt. 13:44) and consequently accept their call to maturely express their masculinity and femininity as singles, recongizing that God has wired most of them for a future marriage.
Again, books on the subject of dating, singleness and marriage can be frustrating to read. Many volumes sitting side by side in the Christian bookstores contradict each other; some are overly legalistic while others suggest almost anything goes as long as you are happy. And the subject of dating is controversial, to say the least. There is room for disagreement among believers where dating patterns are concerned. Yet, relationships with the opposite sex are an integral part of life that determines much of one's earthly destiny. It is also a topic about which one becomes increasingly more wise about as one matures and begins to see the fruit of the decisions made earlier in life, for better or for worse. Indeed, my own views have matured over the years, as a result of both successes and failures in many of the areas discussed in this book.
There is much wisdom in the pages of this book, and the authors have done a fine job of separating the directives of Scripture from the wisdom in Scripture, avoiding the common traps of dipping into the two extremes of legalism and license. All would do well to prayerfully read this book, especially those not yet married who desire to marry wisely but are unsure of how to go about doing so.
---Josh Riley | Worship.com
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